


TentaTodd, The Legend Come Alive

by Living_Free



Series: Slip and Slide [23]
Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Author Is A Nerd, Batfamily, Crack, Fluff, Humor, Jason squeezes his ink sac, Jason taking on octopus characteristics, M/M, Tumblr: Tentatodd Week, Wally is being the ultimate bro, and is unrepentant about it, magical damian wayne, magical tentacles, mentions of brain sex, no one has brain sex, octopus biology, the tentacles want Dick
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-19
Updated: 2019-02-19
Packaged: 2019-10-31 13:17:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17850164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Living_Free/pseuds/Living_Free
Summary: Jason channels his inner cephalopod.Tim is full of facts.Bruce must always protect Dick,And Damian comes up with a new trick.





	TentaTodd, The Legend Come Alive

**Author's Note:**

> In honour of the famed TentaTodd week on tumblr.

"Red Hood down."

The message on the comms had all the bats converging upon Red Robin's and Red Hood's location. 

"Um, actually, Red Hood...wet. And squishy."

Batman paused. "Come again?"

"I'll bring him home, just...do we have an aquarium?"

And that was how Bruce ended up looking at his second child through the glass of a large glass jacuzzi bowl. His second child, who had now sprouted tentacles where his legs were supposed to be, and was currently using them to harass Tim. 

"So, he got hit by a spell?" Bruce asked Tim, as the boy batted away a tentacle that was tickling his ankle. 

"Yup. Klarion again, I swear that kid is such a pain. At least Damian showed him what for, this time."

Damian grinned and bounced on the spot and conjured tendrils of pure darkness around him. "I sent him tumbling through the multiverse!" He sang. "I timed it so that he will land in the daemon lands, where hopefully, they will eat him."

"Here's hoping," Tim said. "But yeah, Damian sent a picture of Jay to Raven, and she said that the spell should wear off in a day or two, and then she sent the pictures to the Titans server, and- EEEEK!"

Tim jumped as Jason managed to wriggle a tentacle into Tim's tiny ear. "Heh," Jason grinned, waving his new appendages around gaily, "I'm Tim's hentai nightmare. C'mere, Tiny Timmy," Jason crooned, elevating himself on his tentacles. 

Tim squealed loudly and clutched his bum cheeks before he ran to hide under Bruce's cape. Bruce sighed at his sons' theatrics, and looked over at Dick, who had been oddly silent, only to find him hanging over the edge of the tank.

"Poor Little Wing," Dick crooned, playing with a tentacle. "You'll get all lonely in you little tank." Then, he proceeded to strip down to his leggings and join Jason in the jacuzzi tank. Jason squeaked and treaded water as fast as he could in the opposite direction, with Dick swimming after him, cooing endearments. 

"Dick I'm naked!" Jason screamed.

"It's alright Little Wing! I won't judge you!"

"Help!"

Eventually though, Jason was coralled into a corner and submitted to Dick's wet, warm, hug-a-thon. It was kind of nice, even, he thought, as he watched Damian glower jealously at them. 

However, all good things come to an end sometime, as Jason soon discovered. 

So relaxed was he in his warm pool, being babied and taken care of by his big brother, that Jason failed to notice a wayward tentacle weaving upwards towards Dick's head. After a while, Dick nudged him.

"Jay, you're poking my ear."

"Huh?" Jason opened his eyes lazily and observed his tentacle nudging Dick's head. "I can''t control it," he observed. "I think it's the spell."

Just then, there was the telltale crash of a tray falling to the floor. Jason and Dick looked around to see Alfred looking horrified, and using one hand to cover he nearest child's (Tim's) eyes. Bruce was doing the same, but to his own eyes. Damian was the only one properly looking at them - unsheathing his sword and yelling obscenities about Jason.

"Whoa! Whoa!" Jaosn yelled. "What the hell!?"

Bruce peeked through his fingers and seeing that Jason was otherwise diverted, helped Dick out of the pool, before disinfecting his eldest's head. "What's wrong, Bruce?" Dick asked innocently. 

"Son, are you alright?" Bruce asked urgently.

Dick stared. "Ye...es?"

"Do you feel chaste?"

"Um...mostly? Wally and I had sex this morning."

"Ugh."

Damian stormed up to the jacuzzi and quick as a flash, struck Jason across the face. "Todd! How dare you try to violate Grayson thusly!"

"What the hell! I didn't, you brat! And we're brothers, that's gross!"

Tim lifted Damian out of the water where he had waded in to fight Jason. "It's ok, Dames, I don't think Jason knows."

"Know what!? I swear, if you don't tell me right now, I'll-"

"That tentacle," Tim said, pointing at the appendage that was still aiming at Dick, "is your hectocotylus. It's techinically your penis."

Dick gasped and fainted against Bruce. Jason looked like he wanted to follow suit. "W-wh-"

"The male octopus inserts the hectocoylus into the lady octopus' mantle - the head region. I think that your octopus body was feeling comfortable enough around Dick to try and mate with him," Tim elaborated. 

This time, Jason did faint, and had to actively be held up by Tim in order to prevent his drowning, despite the fact that the magical tentacles now seemed to want to target Tim instead, probing his cheeks happily.

"Bruce!" Tim shrieked. 

Luckily, Jason came to, and rushed to the middle of the pool to isolate himself. "Leave me!" He cried in anguish. "Save yourselves! Cover your assholes!"

"Actually, octopi mate through the equivalent of a facial orifice-"

"Enough! There will be no more orifice talk!" Bruce declared, hefting Dick's limp form into his arms. "Damian, call Raven and reserach how to give Jason his legs back. Tim, come upstairs and help me with Dick. Alfred-"

"I do hope you were not about to address me with that tone of voice, Master Bruce."

"-meep."

"Better. Now, what can I do for you, Master Bruce?"

"Could you please make the bed for Dick, Alfred?" Bruce asked sweetly.

Alfred smiled, and the boys trooped out after him, leaving a tepid Jason alone in his little pool of shame. 

***

The next morning, the Bats were back in the cave, but Jason was having none of it, still ashamed of his magical tentacle trying to have brain sex with Dick. 

"It's ok, Little Wing," Dick said, "I'm not mad. I know that it was the magic making your tentacle do that. I trust you."

Jason peered at his older brother, as though searching for a lie, any vindictivness at all, and olny found ihs typical, mindless, fluffball brother. With a relieved sigh, Jason came out of his dank corner and faced his family again. "Thanks, Dickface. Hey, why'd you bring Terry down here?"

"Because he was missing his Uncle Jay!" Dick trilled, and sat on the edge of the pool. Jason looked at his beloved nephew, and felt a deep, unspeakable love welling up inside his heart. Dick watched Jason curiously. "Jaybird, what's wrong?" He asked quietly.

"I-I dont know," Jaosn admitted, sniffling. "But I would die for Terry," he wailed suddenly, and poured little drops of water on his nephew's head. "I need to hydrate him, Dick!" Jason started to cry in earnest, which prompted Terry to wail along with him. 

Bruce stared at his son and grandson perplexedly, wondering why his life could never be straightforward. Probably because he had taken it upon himself to fight crime in a dramatic gothic suit, accompanied by his children and his butler-father.

But Jason could have had at least had the courtesy to repress his emotions so Bruce wouldn't have to worry.

Luckily, Tim came to the rescue yet again. 

"Huh. It looks like Jason's magical octopus instincts are gender neutral. Even though his tentacle-peen indicates that he is a male, his maternal behaviours are definitely characteristic of a female, who literally do die for their babies."

"How gendered of you, Drake," Damian sniffed. "Can men not care for their offspring?"

"Sure, men can," Tim said agreeably, "but not octopi."

"Why not?"

"Because the female eats the male directly after copulation."

"Yum," Cass said blandly, eliciting a peal of laughter from Steph. 

"But it looks like Jason is taking on more octopus traits the longer he has tentacles," Tim said. "We should really work on a cure for him."

"I have a cure," Damian said, hefting his grandmother's grimoire in his tiny arms. "I communed yesterday with the spirit of my moste evile grandmother, and after explaining to her what an octopus was, she guided me to make a potion that would restore the victim of an animal transformation."

"That's great, Dami," Dick said, sounding relieved. "What ingredients will we need?"

Damian opened up his grimoire and consulted his notes. "The Cephalopod Undoing Potion requires: Three thimbles of dandelion fluff, one handful of wormwood, and five pinches of calcium carbonate, all brewed together on a light simmer for ten minutes in a tumbler of the secretions of the turned cephalopod. Mix well and serve hot."

Damian looked up to see the considering looks of his family. "Damian," Bruce spoke hesitanty.

"Yes, father?"

"What did you mean by...secretions of the turned cephalopod?"

Damian flipped through his notes furiously. "Aha! Mistress Raven said that this would have to be the ink milked from Todd's ink sac."

Jason blanched. "W-what? No way, no one's getting near my sac!"

"We can call Roy," Dick offered wisely.

"Roy is off-world," Jason groaned, "if he wasn't, don't you think he'd be here already, crying over my fate?"

"Can you not find your own sac, Todd?" Damian asked, inching away in disgust.

Jason reached underneath his tentacles curiously, and after a second, gave a surprised squeak. "I- I think I found it," he said, his voice wavering. "It's...oh!"

"Silence, Todd!" Damian shrieked, paling. "Grayson, quickly come aside, lest Todd squirt you and the babe with his unholy extractions!"

"Someone needs to collect the ink before it hits the water though," Tim said. Seeing no one volunteer, he took a deep, shuddering breath and closed his eyes. "It seems that fate has played it's cruel hand, and that poor Timmy shall bear witness to this - the most objectionable milking of his own brother." He braced himself and then procured a bucket. "Welp, jack off into the bucket Jason," Tim said, approaching the pool.

"What, no!" Jason cried, and swam to the corner to hide.

Just as Tim was about to get in, Bruce pulled him back. "No, Tim," Bruce said. "I won't allow you to do this. As Jason's father, it is my duty to care for my son, no matter what his physical form. If he is ailing, then finding the cure is my responsibility."

"No one is milking me!" Jason screamed. "Not my dad, and definitely not my baby brother!"

"Jay-"

"Not you either, Dick! You're all my family, for pete's sake! I can't look you in the eye if you see me...do that. I just- I can't!"

Dick nodded sadly. "If you say so, Little Wing. If you don't want any of your immediate family to see your Little Thing, then I may have a solution."

Jason perked up. "I'm all ears."

Dick smiled. "Oh good! Tim, get the bucket in place, let me just go and get some help then."

***

"Help" turned out to be Wally, who was now waist deep in the pool water situated in front of Jason's...ahem. 

"Well, if you didn't want to have one of your brothers do it-" Dick started to say,

"Fuck off, I love you guys too much to not be able to look you in the eye again," Jason grumbled. 

"-then I suppose Wally should be alright, wouldn't he?"

Jason shuddered. "I guess I could go the rest of my life without making eye contact with Wally. Hey man," Jason said, "thanks for being a bro."

Wally frowned. "Don't mention it. Literally. Also, I bet I've seen worse, I'm a crime scene investigator- OH LORD SAVE MY POOR SOUL."

Jason reached down and exposed his...ahem, and got to milking in earnest. After several seconds, Jason squirted out some pure ink that Wally collected, before exiting the pool and leaving Jason to clean himself up.

Wally went into the adjoining chamber where the rest of the family was, and with shaking hands, handed to bucket over to Damian for his potion, and then collapsed weakly into Dick's arms. 

"My poor, brave, Wally-lolly!" Dick cried, cradling his beleagured husband to his chest. 

"It was awful," Wally whispered. "The tentacles were flailing, Jason's...thing was...pulsing, and oh god! I can't!"

"There, there, my brave knight," Dick whispered as he soothed his hysterical husband, "it's over now. You've done so well."

"I think some of the ink got on me," Wally whimpered. 

"I will draw you a bath," Dick said lovingly, "and then we will take Terry for a walk in the garden. The fresh air and Terry's cuteness will restrore your sanity, my love!"

Wally and Dick tumbled off as Damian got to work on the potion, muttering under his breath about how he could have joined the Grayson family walk had it not been for having to brew Todd's fluids for him.

After the potion was finished, Damian poured it into a vial and stoppered it expertly. "Todd!" He called, striding towards the tank wherein Jason was moping in a mollusc-like manner."Drink this at once and cease existing in your current state!"

Jason eyed Damian sourly but drank nonetheless. Within seconds, there was a great popping sound, and a naked Jason, this time bipedal, sat in the jacuzzi looking bewildered. 

"It worked!" Damian cried, throwing his hands up in victory. When no one petted his hair or surrounded him with loving warmth, he looked put out. "Don't all hug me at once, I just restored Todd to an actual human being, that's all."

"Tim, give Damian a kiss," Bruce ordered as he rushed to help a shivering and shocked Jason from the pool. 

Tim looked down and Damian, who glared back at him. "Try it, Drake," he spat, "and face my wrath."

Tim reached for his lipstick. "Oh, it's on, brat."

Damian's eyes widened. "You wouldn't."

Tim didn't reply, busy applying a generous coating of Siren Red on his lips. 

"Drake!" Damian was actively backing away now, but too late - Tim had bent down a pressed a long, wet kiss to Damian's cheek. Tim straightened and looked at his handiwork - a perfect red lip mark on Damian's whole cheek, and Damian himself standing in shock, looking slightly dazed. 

Tim high-fived Jason as Bruce guided his dripping brother past. Jason stopped and bent down to administer his own smoochie to Damian's other cheek. At this, Damian's knees gave out and he sank down to the floor, looking bewildered and stunned. Taking pity, Alfred picked Damian up and carried him upstairs, away from his older brothers. 

Meanwhile, Jason was testing out his legs again. "Aw yeah, my legs are back!" He sang happily. "Time to test 'em out. Tim, c'mere and tango with me."

Bruce watched Tim and Jason ooze around the cave like a couple of slugs, and felt a surge of happiness fill him with warmth. Was this how Dick felt all the time? If so, Bruce could really get behind this feeling. 

"Jason, put on pants," Bruce called, wincing at the outline of Jason's bum through the thin towel he had on. 

"Hang on, I'm doing a rumba," Jason called back. 

"Wait, Jay, don't jump-"

Tim's resultant shriek was answer enough.

Bruce sighed and went upstairs to check in on Damian. After a knock, he entered his son's room, where Damian was furiously scrubbing at his cheeks. "Hello Damian," Bruce greeted.

"Hello father," Damian grumbled, one cheek still stained with Tim's lipstick. "Do we have any coconut oil? I cannot get Drake's mouth mark off of my face."

Bruce got some oil and cleaned Damian's cheek off for him, revelling in the feeling of poking his youngest's still round cheeks. He really needed to do this more often, Bruce mused to himself. "You did well today, Damian."

"Eh?"  
"Curing Jason from the spell," Bruce clarified. "It took a lot of research and brains to pull that potion off."

"Tt," Damian said proudly, puffing up like a happy pigeon. "T'was nothing."

Bruce smiled. "You know, I was rather set against you doing any kind of magic. But now, I'm happy that Dick overrode my decisions."

"Grayson is very wise," Damian agreed. "He loves me very much. Are you proud of me now, father?"

Bruce's heart broke. Did Damian actually think that Bruce's love was conditional? "Damian," he said carefully, "I was proud of you from the moment I knew you." Damian's eyes grew wide. "You were such a clever, wonderful, sweet boy-"

"I tried to murder Drake!"  
"Because you were misguided. You love Tim now, don't you?"

"Tt."

"Don't you?"

"TT!"

Bruce smiled at Damian's telltale blush. "You've come so far, Damian," Bruce said, "and I look forward into the man you will become."

Damian grinned. "I, too, look forward to my adulthood."

Bruce felt a sense of panic grip him. "But take your time," he cautioned. "Don't grow up too fast. I like you as a little boy."  
"Pshaw," Damian huffed. He'd really been hanging around Alfred too much. "Drake is the little one in this family. He is fated to be, as he says, a 'baby boy'."

"He said what?"

"I overheard him talking with the Clone," Damian said innocently. "It is the Clone's nickname for him, I think. Drake is a fool, for he actually pays the Clone respect after being patronized thusly."

"...how do you mean, respect?"

Damian rolled his eyes. "Drake refers to the Clone as 'sir' during his phone calls- father, where are you going?"

"To destory Kon-El."

"Oh, alright," Damian said. "May I watch?"

"Certainly."

It would be a father-son bonding moment, Bruce thought happily, feeling the warm glow of accomplishment, as he walked hand in hand with Damain to terrorize an unknowning Kon-El.


End file.
